Women’s hair wound

Why are women often so critical of the hair they were naturally given?

What I am about to share is very personal and it may not resonate with you. 

However, the point I am hoping to make can be applied to most external beauty. 

On a walk with my teenage daughter, I recently commented how shiny her hair looked, with the sun lighting it up. 

Since she was born, I’ve been opting for natural hair products. 

This month, she decided to buy something new and noticed my disappointment.

Not criticising her choices and allowing her to become the woman who she wants to be - is work in progress. 

Some days, old patterns simply run the show.

Getting ready for the day, I washed my own hair and an avalanche of lifetime memories of others’ comments came over me:

🟠 Early on, I had been requested to have short cuts

🟠 Age 12: a teacher walks up to me in the middle of class.

She holds my (now long) hair in a ponytail and says so all could hear:

“If only you could tie up your hair, you could be such a pretty girl.”  

🟠 Age 17: temporarily dying my hair red: a male family member suggested to go blond or dye it black, because:

“Men are generally not attracted to redheads.”

Women's hair wound

I could go on and on and would love to hear the advice you received when trying to figure it all out.

Meeting fellow female journeyers from many cultures, I often wondered why women preferred:

👩🏻‍🦱 straight hair if theirs was curly,

👱🏻‍♀️ the other way round,

👩🏼‍🦰 a different colour, etc.?

We are so much more than our looks. 

Sharing with my 15-year-old what I discovered about myself, allowed me to take ownership for my burden, apologise and free her. 

She reassured me that she has a right to make her own mistakes so she can learn what works.             

That is what it’s all about. 

When anyone gives you advice, he or she isn’t right or wrong – it is simply an attempt to save you from suffering. 

A complexity may be added when the parent’s well-meaning intentions (expressed through fear or judgement) are perceived by their offspring as criticism. 

So what’s the solution?: after all a parent and child are on the same page – both want to learn and grow.

One way is of course (where possible) to avoid criticism all together.

My second suggestion is to balance every compliment a young girl receives for her outer appearance with one appreciation where her inner strength or an acquired skill is encouraged. 

The courage that is needed to find her identity will give her the self-esteem to believe in her own value as a person, should someone not approve.

When the question is asked how to parent resilient, strong and happy future adults: the hope often is that pain, rejection or humiliation can be avoided. 

When exactly the opposite is true. 

Life skills are gained through the care-giver’s ability to hold space while a young person is navigating through life’s stumbling blocks. 

Knowing that our daughters go beyond us is so freeing and allows me to come back to what I can control.

One delightful surprise while guiding a teenager: is the chance to step back even further and heal my own insecurities.

What an incredible journey that we get to walk alongside those who come next who invite us to see our challenge through a fresh new lens 🔎. 

The gift I welcomed was to dive into my unawareness, look at what is uncomfortable and practise detachment from the outcome.

Taking another step towards acceptance of what isn’t mine to control and dropping the inner whip, had my daughter turn to me later that day and say:

“I love my hair 🥰.”

(Confirming humanity: written by annett)