Are you your child's friend?

When I took a break from social media for most of last month, I pondered the question of worthiness.

Are you worthy without any achievements?

It took me weeks of journaling and diving within to come to a conclusion for the moment.

What I am about to share goes back to my earliest childhood memories.

For as long as I can remember I have been enjoying organising and creating systems & routines that work for me.

In the picture below I am tidying away new wellies the moment after receiving this Christmas gift.

This is not to brag or to give you the impression that I was the perfect 3-year-old.

You’ve probably been observing tendencies in your own child (from a very young age) that may give you a clue what her or his strengths are.

A close family member used to say that in creche and playschool, I was so busy arranging toys that by the time I was about to start playing - we were told to tidy up.

Becoming a mum, I struggled with creative and imaginary play.

Comparing myself to others growing, I often felt left behind.

Whether that was due to:

? Neurodivergence

? Trauma

? Depth of processing or

? Being a different body type,

it may have all kinds of reasons…

It resulted in me believing: I am neither playful nor creative.

We observe everything from birth and decide (based on our own logic) what behaviour we will repeat to find a sense of belonging and significance with others.

Over this last decade parents have been allowing me a front row seat.

The greatest joy and relief are felt when a caregiver becomes aware of what drives their own reaction.

It is never about a child misbehaving.

The struggle comes from our mental images of what we believe how parenting should be instead.

Years ago, freshly engaged, we spent time with friends who were parenting teenagers.

I asked for advice and the couple recommended to treat your child as a friend.

As a new mum, I was confused as to how to “discipline your friend”?

Here is what I have been learning over the last 16 years.

It is not to see a friend as someone whom I don’t have any boundaries with.

It is to see the relationships with my daughter & son having a foundation rooted in respecting myself and respecting them so both might choose me as a trusted friend.

I would love to hear what your thoughts are in the comments below or private message to effortlessparenting@gmail.com.

Another way to look at this post’s heading would be to ask:

Would I make this comment to a friend?

One lens to look at ourselves and our children rather than through psychopathology is the invitation to ask:

What life skill might be missing in a child?

I would like to leave you with another profound discovery a father whom I shared these skills with recently made.

When we explored the interaction with his young daughter and how to respond differently, he commented:

“I practise exactly what you are saying in my job. Why have not thought of this myself: to apply my skills at home?”

(Confirming humanity: written by annett)