The Skill Of Being Defeated

When it comes to playing sports, most parents have their own experience and stories to tell.

I am sharing mine and what I need to learn about losing to better support my child.

Losing Every Game

Growing up in a country that tried to show the world how talented its people were at sports (former GDR), left me no choice but to partake.

As the non-athlete compared to my other siblings, I joined my village’s Olympic Handball Club when I was 8.

The eldest sister led the way and she was my idol.

So extremely good at this competitive discipline and all others I observed her in that I wanted to be her.

I dragged myself to practice twice a week and weekend games, I never even enjoyed.

By the time I was a teenager our coach had decided to start us in the county’s highest division, playing against Saxony’s elite hoping that we would improve.

For years, we lost game after game and scoring goals was only what others were capable of.

Fear Of Telling A Parent

As a child, I preferred swimming and table tennis but wouldn’t dream of saying this to my parents.

Everyone wants their child to “fit in”, sometimes no matter the cost.

Brené Brown defines belonging as being accepted for who you are, fitting in means needing to change who you are.

When my son’s team played completely out of their league last year, I observed losing from an adult’s point of view.

What Decisions Are Based On

Club decisions are made from prestige without considering the impact it could have on a child.

At age 11, divided into teams of players that make the cut and others that don’t.

This is how sport works and the star players go further.

Accepting this reality is an incredible opportunity to build the “disappointment muscle” so needed for life.

Parents, teachers and coaches are in awe of the resiliency of children.

By the end of the season, my son’s team had lost every game and yet all his mates stayed in this sport.

Do Children Get It?

What I would like to bring to the conversation is to speak with children, coming from honesty and truthfulness.

The leadership of one of Ireland’s biggest sports organisations is asking parents to not put the emphasis on winning.

Fathers and mothers are only to ask after each match:

“Did you have fun?”

After participation medals seemed to not have been the solution in accepting defeat gracefully, I would like to suggest Alfred Adler’s teachings.

Not Enough Unless You Win

In a “power over” paradigm the individual believes they find their place in society through winning, being better than and achieving a high status.

To be truly happy alongside belonging and feeling loved, every child can learn that their contribution matters and they have “power with” others. 

An invitation to ask WITH CURIOSITY AND CARE instead:

How did you contribute?

What do you notice you are improving on?

What are you learning about playing in a team?

Give Respect

Shifting from “Give respect get respect”, let’s role model to this next generation HOW WE RESEPECT THEM.

For a child to learn a life skill that’s missing - be the guide and compass the way my sister (a former handball coach and PE teacher) has been inspiring me. 

(Confirming humanity: written by annett)