Discouraged By Mistake
- Annett
- 4 hours ago
- 3 min read
What I experienced near the German Embassy last month sums up my passion for ‘kind and firm’ parenting.
Allow me to take you back to my 19-year-old teenage self.
She moved into her first Irish home around the corner from a building representing the country she was born in.
At the time, the plan was to never relocate back to where I came from.
Yet, nearly 3 decades later I am still clinging on to those German roots.
After travelling nearly 600km to request a new passport and processing the events of the day with my 16-year-old daughter, I found new answers.
You are not going to believe how addressing my deepest fears brought me closer to supporting parents whose children avoid going to school.
(More on that - later this Summer).
A very discouraged teenager wanting to convince others not to try with them and feeling so inadequate leaving others to give up - is a personal experience now turning into the strongest fire in my belly.
Taking you back further to my less discouraged single digit child self.
She saw her neighbour hurting her older sister and decided to hurt back by letting the air out of the woman’s bike tyres.
Back in the day my consequence was getting hit with a wicker carpet beater.
That was nothing new.
A part of me was aware of this “normal” discipline method of the day.
So why do children (and some adults) make decisions where the outcome is not in their favour?
In traditional parenting we are led to believe that life skills are only learned if pain is inflicted first.
Why does a defiant child (disrupting harmony) feel more encouraged than the child who retreats further (where noise levels go down)?
The answer is found in Alfred Adler’s teachings.
An individual stuck in revenge cycles believes they don’t belong – they’re hurting.
An individual stuck in despair is convinced they CAN’T belong – they give up.
When it comes to encouraging children and helping them to believe in themselves, the clue lies in finding WHAT they believe first.
Coming back to walking up to the embassy, I felt so tense.
Taking a break to explore the beliefs behind my unsettled feelings, I took out my journal.
My fear was to have overlooked one of the 15 checklist items, I had printed from the passport application website and to be sent away (costing me time and money).
The old belief of “they will punish me for my mistake” came up.
As a young child, we form beliefs which are connected to feelings – based on which decisions are made.
Hidden and unquestioned conclusions (often drawn in early years) silently run most of what we do.
As an adult if unidentified – these beliefs can lead to reactivity.
Challenged by someone else’s behaviour, we can choose to react or get curious to reveal what was mistakenly assumed.
When a parent self-reflects and is willing to try something new, they surprise themselves.
A small tweak in how a conflict is approached, can result in a completely different outcome.
Age 19 - all I felt was discourage.
Today I practise how to dive within, to drop the “dis” and rediscover my courage.
Do you sometimes feel discouraged?
Book my private 1:1 package “Embracing Boundaries” which includes a free effortless call by clicking here:
(Confirming humanity: written by annett)
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