When you feel like you are failing as a parent
Have you ever had a day where you wanted to leave your job as a parent?
My Monday yesterday was one of the toughest. We all know this feeling when we just can’t get it to work. What I mean is nothing you say reaches the other. Even though they are there, there seems to be a wall between you. I had one of these mornings yet again where my child was just not moving off the couch to go to school. Having a strong-willed child is one of the biggest challenges and greatest gifts at the same time. I know that I go on about the morning routine and you can replace this with what your biggest challenge is. For some of my clients it's homework, for others it’s bedtime, for many others it’s shouting and for some of you it’s screen-time.
Whatever your challenge may be: when you are at the dead end I was at yesterday, you will feel the need to go back to all the old behaviour patterns you know from when you were a child.
Mine are that I want to blackmail, bribe, start threatening or even put fear of authority into my child just so that they will do as I say.
I immediately stop myself as I know what the longterm outcome of that parenting style could be.
According to the research: if I revert to the above, my child may become one of the following as an adult:
Entitled to want to get instead of give
Wishing that others full-fill all their needs
Taking short cuts rather than digging deeper
Making life hard for others by not accepting accountability for their own behaviour
Demanding from others
and also for me:
Taking gratitude away from my own life
Believing that my child’s needs are more important than my own
Having the worst day because I tell myself that I failed as a mother
Can you relate to this feeling of wanting to give in or giving in and then beating yourself up for not being more consistent with your parenting?
This is my story and here is what I did yesterday to get myself back out of this hole.
My approach is to move myself out of the situation when my child won’t budge.
As mentioned in my post “When we hit a wall”, you cannot win against your child.
The way parents won in the past was to overpower a child through either violence, threats or to give in.
Neither of these will have a longterm affect that you imagine for your child.
When parents first work with me, I ask them what their longterm goals are with their parenting.
What I hear over and over is some of the following.
Parents want their child to be:
happy, trustworthy, honest, loving, truthful, accountable, sharing belongings, good-natured, co-operative, calm, managing life well, pleasant to be with, responsible, open-minded, knowing that we are not perfect, and so on …
What I learned over the years as a parent is - to stay calm.
My child will eventually snap out of the state of fear they are in.
Life has shown me over and over again that patience will be paid off.
It usually happens in a way that we cannot see in the state of fear we are in when our children challenge us.
We are simply too caught up in it.
Going to a parenting course can change the way you react in a moment as hard as this.
You don’t need to feel alone in the toughest job assignment of your life.
Take time out and reflect what you are doing longterm.
It could be a game changer for other relationships in your life too?
You are the mother or father your child is so proud of.
It takes a lot to lose their trust.
They are so patient with us.
Most parents have some idea what they want for their child.
If you would like me to help you to put it into action, click on my services and come work with me.