The topic of family birth positions and how it may impact a person’s life is a controversial and complex one.
Many people I meet, have at least one sibling and there are lots of stories to tell.
When it comes to dynamics between:
🌱 an eldest
🌱 a second
🌱 a middle
🌱 a youngest
🌱 an only or
🌱 a twin
my experience is that parents just want what is best for all of them.
After a mother or father become aware how each sibling forms their individual belief about what it means to find belonging in their family:
she or he no longer take sides with one particular child.
This is all I want to share on the topic 🤣.
It sounds so simple and yet how a parent reacts goes a little deeper.
The attached picture is from Grethe Fagerström’s children’s book that teaches about the body and sexuality.
The picture sequence shows a moment shortly after Ida (8) and Peter (5) welcomed home their youngest sibling.
The baby seems to get all the attention.
Previously last born Peter’s position just changed from the youngest to a middle child.
Let’s imagine, this situation was re-enacted.
The parents are exhausted from the lack of sleep and wish the older children would just get along 🫠.
An argument breaks out and mother sends the eldest away.
Please click the chat box below (Ask me) and request 'Sibling translation'.
From the older daughter’s point of view, the experience might be this:
“This is so unfair, I just wanted to protect our cat.
I feel so rejected, shamed and sad.
No matter what I do, mum always takes Peter’s side.”
Peter’s perception could be interpreted this way:
“I have all of mum’s attention and she loves me more.
I am believed even when I don’t speak the truth.
What else could I try?”
(This is only a hypothesis and in no way describes children as despiteful).
After hearing about this, a parent once shared that it suddenly made so much sense why some siblings may feel more dominant over others.
This is not to blame or shame a parent who feels tired and overwhelmed.
When we are stressed, we fall back to old patterns of behaviour.
WE ALL DO.
How can I catch myself earlier?
A parent asked recently.
In my experience, the solution lies in practising how to respond differently when our physiology is calm and open to receiving the new.
When it comes to sibling rivalry, it can be tricky to find out who started it.
The hopeful message is that brothers and sisters can be guided effectively and resolve conflict situations so they don’t last a lifetime.
Rudolf Dreikurs believed:
Rewrite the script:
Once a minimal refinement is made how Peter and Ida are approached by their parent, their story changes.
When opinions differ, Ida could start to believe this about herself and others instead:
“I no longer need my mum’s attention to resolve this problem with Peter.
I feel loved, responsible and heard.
My mum trusts me.”
While it might take Peter a little longer to believe in his own ability, his new way of seeing himself - is shared by my client:
“At first I am surprised to no longer get mum’s special attention.
Later, I felt more trusted and respected and willing to fix it on my own.
Mum is now neutral, believes in both of us and my screams are pointless.”
In the heat of the moment you can gain access to the ability to remain calm, when you know that underneath it all your children love each other.
(Confirming humanity: written by annett)
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