Updated: Jun 29, 2022
I learned recently that speaking my truth is very healing
Attending a parenting course takes courage, is what somebody said to me yesterday.
Do you believe that too?
My approach is all about having the courage to be imperfect.
What I mean by that is that a parent who pretends to their child and doesn’t admit when they are wrong, is doing the child more harm than good.
You are preparing your child for a world that will not measure up with their expectation.
And this can only backfire very heavily.
Why is it so that we want to be super-human in front of our children?
When you are perfect and your child is not - it may create an inferiority complex in your child.
Your child will grow up to be an adult, compare him- or herself to you and feel like a failure.
So what I am understanding: as a daughter raised by two perfectionists is that my lack of self-worth will leave me feeling criticised forever unless I constantly work on myself.
My thoughts of not showing vulnerability in front of my children are that we have so much more to offer and can be open and honest with them.
What happens when
we no longer show
our superiority and
admit when we don’t
You will know those moments I am referring to.
The times when we pretend to have the answer to big meaningful questions and when we just say anything at all to stop the questions.
I had a teacher in school who told us the following story:
His nephew once asked him:
“How high is the biggest mountain in the world?”
(This is before we had the answer with a click of a button in our pocket.)
The teacher bragged and said he told his nephew that the mountain is 3789m high and how amazed the nephew was with his knowledgeable uncle.
I couldn’t believe my ears how blatantly a figure in authority was able to lie to another human being.
Call me naive because I didn’t realise how much I was lying to myself as a teenager at the time.
When we lie to ourselves about skills and our self-worth, we eventually start believing it and don’t realise anymore and how far removed from the truth we are living.
When I lie about my own ability and down-play my passion for something just to fit in, I betray myself over and over and over again.
I catch myself lying to myself almost daily.
A friend’s mother asked me recently how my own mother was doing and I found myself not telling my truth to her.
I made up something about her so I wouldn’t share my very painful reality that I needed to distance myself from my own mother last year.
My pain goes so deep about my mother questioning my credibility of me remembering child abuse that I feel shame sharing my mother’s behaviour with others.
What I needed to understand is that abusive behaviour goes much further than the obvious.
My pain was not shared but left ignored by her.
What I never thought I would have to do was to send her home.
I have since learnt that a lot of families are going through shared experiences like mine.
I hope you were spared in the turmoil of the last two years and the uncovering and revelations that several of my friends went through.
Having a broken relationship with a parent makes me even more passionate about a new approach to parenting that is free from shame, blame and pain.
My toughest time was clouded by this traumatic experience of not having my mother’s support.
How I am still standing is a miracle to me.
Even writing this now makes me want to crawl back into my shadow.
However, what keeps me going in this world (where I can’t even turn on the news because I start raging at the injustice that is presented to us) is that I still believe systems need to break first before they can be created new.
The reason why I am sharing this publicly is because sharing my ‘Gifts from childhood trauma’ on my You Tube channel this February, resulted in some of you confiding privately in me how you were healing similar traumatic childhoods now.
As survivors of abuse, we get triggered by our parenting task in ways nobody can even imagine.
I found touch by my own children sometimes overpowering, before I knew why.
Some of you have similar challenges particularly when it comes to not giving in and following through in a kind and firm way with our children.
I projected my lack of love during childhood as a grown woman onto my child.
The minute I became aware of this hidden fear that my child would not love me anymore,
I was able to be more consistent in my own parenting.
We do everything for them out of sheer terror that our own child would reject us.
If you understand the Adlerian principle then you will know that your child’s need to belong to you is more important than anything.
They will sometimes even refuse to eat - just to get your attention.
What you can be guaranteed is that your child loves you unconditionally.
This is why my mission is stronger than ever before, I am here to cheer you on.
Your child will be ok.
What is not ok is parents who blackmail, bribe and condition children out of fear of doing this work and breaking the old paradigm.
You may find this triggering - I completely accept.
However, if you are grounding yourself in love for your child: you have no excuse to not change the old ways that are no longer working.
You have nothing to fear other than your own behaviour patterns which are what is passed on from one generation to the other, unless you become aware of them.
You will enjoy so much more peace and calm when you make some adjustments to repeating the same parenting patterns that were role modelled to you, in your life.
Taking time out to reflect on parenting may be the most important time spent.
What other relationship are you that much emotionally involved in - as the one with your child?
Would you like to be part of my next parenting?