In my teenage years, I suffered from an eating disorder
Updated: Sep 20
Do you know anybody who struggles with their weight?
This is another blog post that is not easy to write for me.
I hope you are looking after yourself well and only continue to read this only if you are in a good and strong mindset.
What I am about to say is the hardest revelation of my childhood yet.
What I experienced is so shocking, I would not wish on my worst enemy.
In my primary school years, I was sexually and emotionally abused by the principal of my school.
Writing this, even makes my knees a little weak.
What happened to me between the ages of 6-8 was so vile, I cannot go into detail here.
My vulnerability was exploited in ways how no young child in this world should have been or should be exploited.
You can probably imagine that sharing this is one of the hardest things I ever need to do.
However, my shame over how I felt around my body image has destroyed a lot of relationships in my life.
Whenever things got tough and I needed to let somebody fully into my life, I found excuses and ran.
The main excuse was always that I was too fat and therefore not loveable.
What I didn’t understand all these years was that being loved, has nothing to do with my weight.
It was me being in victim-mode so that I didn’t need to face the raging children inside myself.
I somehow believed that criticising myself so harshly and causing myself pain over and over again, meant that eventually nobody on the outside could ever hurt me the way I was hurt before.
How, much I missed out on all these years not allowing love in, it was depriving me of my life-force.
It took me years and years of facing my demons and allowing myself to feel again because I numbed myself with everything you can imagine.
First, I was shoving all my emotions back down with food and then threw it all up and somehow deluded myself that that’s the way of letting go of all the pain I felt inside.
Then I switched this disorder for drinking and drank enough in my 20’s that it would last for 3 lifetimes.
The only reason I never reached for cocaine when it was offered at parties, was because I knew I would like it so much - it would be the death of me.
When I thought I had overcome all my addiction, I realised that my old patterns of being a people pleaser was only going to be conquered with real determination of showing myself for who I really am.
Being somebody who puts on a mask and smiles just to get along is maybe something you may be able to relate to?
So my mission is to help other parents like me who are sick and tired of playing along to get along so that we don’t upset others.
Upsetting others (was drilled into us as children) would cost us the most important need as a child which is to belong.
So guess what most of us choose as children?
We give ourselves up to be loved.
To reach for the stars and become our own best friend is what I want for all parents who work with me.
We all deserve to be loved and who knows us better than we know ourselves?
This is why I am convinced that we parent ourselves first before we can parent anybody else.
My trauma goes so deep, I thought I don’t deserve to use the bathroom to relieve myself when I needed to.
I was severely humiliated for wetting myself when the abuse started that I learned to suppress the needs of my body.
After months of working on the topic of shame and people pleasing, I am now able to start to feel again and say the following when I need to go:
I am interrupting what I am doing because I love myself.
Hearing this from me may trigger some of you.
What I urge everybody to do is ask yourself why triggers sometimes are so painful?
This inner child work is the hardest thing I have ever done and has also been the most rewarding of my entire life.
When I say rewarding I mean a true reward that comes from the inside out.
Not a reward in form of cake, wine or new shoes.
No, what I mean is this feeling inside that will never be filled with outside approval.
It is this intrinsic feeling that comes from the inner knowing that we are all valued and worthy of love, no matter what.
You will take up new behaviours such as affirmations and positive thinking only after allowing the old to move out.
One of the best ways I have found is to feel the old and then look at different perspectives how to replace old beliefs with more truthful ones.
One of the most effective tool I have found to find inner peace is Byron Katies’s The Work. Click below and book an appointment for your 90-minute facilitation session with me.
My biggest trigger was leaving the house in the mornings and the need for my children to obey so that I didn’t need to confront my biggest fear:
Interaction with teachers.
I am now ready to move on and willing to talk to any teacher who would like to adapt the parenting approach of my courses to the classroom.
If you have any friends who are teachers, please feel free to forward my message.
A change can only happen in our society if we work together as parents and teachers without fear of offending each other.
What I would like to share with teachers is that reward and punishment is no longer working with our children and they are here to help us move through it to advance humanity.